Tomorrow I am supposed to go to the beach with some friends. Sounds like fun, for them. Lately fun things are not fun for me. I try and pretend they are fun, stick a smile on my face and try and tough it out for the sake of not being labeled a Party Pooper. But I just don't think I can't do it again. A whole day with happy people, playing in the surf, talking and having fun, while I just don't feel up to it. I don't want to bring anyone down, and I don't want the constant questions about what's wrong, why don't you lighten up?
If they only knew, I wish I could, I wish I could just be happy again. I wish there was a switch you could flick that made everything better. I get tired of pretending to be happy for the sake of others. It is exhausting trying to be someone I am not. That old adage of fake it till you make it, just does not work, I have tried. I have tried to go out and pretend I am having fun. It doesn't work, I'm still miserable, I just hide it behind a fake ass smile.
I have heard that when you put a smile on your face eventually you will feel happy again, I wonder how long that takes? Because the smile on my face is so damn fake I feel like Crusty the Clown from the Simpons. I know my best friend can tell when I am being fake and when I am being genuine, I wonder if anyone else can? Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me at all, they don't really want to get to know me.
I will see how the day goes and if something changes my mind about the beach......
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