Best Friend?

My best friend and I have been friends for a good 15 years! That's a long time in girl world! LOL! We have hardly ever argued. Sure we might get annoyed with each other, but we have never really gotten into an argument.

These past several months have been the hardest months of my life. Dealing with my sisters death has been really hard. I have not known what to feel at times. Sometimes I am ok, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel like I can go all day without even thinking about my sister, and then BOOM out of nowhere, a tiny little reminder will show itself and I will think of her, and I am back to missing her like crazy.

I feel like my best friend says she is there for me in words only. She says I can talk to her whenever I need her. This is not exactly true. Where she lives she does not get good reception, so we have to text. Whenever I have asked her to come meet me because I have had a bad day, she is not available, and not that she's doing something else, she is just tired, or she just got home and has changed out of her work clothes and doesn't want to get changed again. When she asks me to do something it is to go to the movies or to dinner. Which is fine except, you can't really talk about anything personal in a public space. I have tried, it doesn't work. I do not think she wants to hear what I have to say. I do not think she means it when she says she is there for me.

Recently I had a really bad time at work, dealing with very hard confidential stuff that I just couldn't handle. I was in tears when I left work that day. I didn't want to go home so I stopped at this tiny little bar we play trivia at every week and have made friends with the bartender. I text my best friend to ask her if she would meet me. I told her I had a really bad day at work and wanted to know if she could meet me. She said she was already home and changed and didn't want to come out, but darn the food there was good.

So I talked to the bartender, and kind of told her what had happened that day. Then I went home. A couple days later I took my dogs to the dog park, it was pretty hot out, but it was nice in the shade, so I enjoyed it, I text my best friend once again to ask if she wanted to join me. She said it was too hot out. So once again, no dice. Ok, I get it.

Well, a little while later that day I was at home, and she text me, asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her other best friend. So I said yes, I changed real quick and went to meet them. I got there first and then she showed up. It was just us two at the bar waiting until our table was ready and our other friend hadn't shown up yet, so I told her what had happened the other day that had upset me so much. She told me "Oh, I thought it was something that had happened to you" if she thought it was something that happened to me, why didn't she come? Why did it matter if it was something that had happened to me, or something that I was having an issue with? Either way I needed my best friend, and once again she wasn't willing to be there.

During the years of our friendship I have always been there when she needed me. Whether it was talking to her when she was upset, or to go pick her up in the middle of the night. I have never questioned it, I have just done it. That's what friends are for. I thought. I do not feel like she wants to deal with my hurt, she wants to be happy and have everything great. Well, my life isn't so great right now, and I don't think its going to be for awhile.

I just don't know quite what to do. I know the logical thing to do is point it out to her, but part of me asks why? Why should I have to point this out?! Why can't she see it?