Tomorrow I am supposed to go to the beach with some friends. Sounds like fun, for them. Lately fun things are not fun for me. I try and pretend they are fun, stick a smile on my face and try and tough it out for the sake of not being labeled a Party Pooper. But I just don't think I can't do it again. A whole day with happy people, playing in the surf, talking and having fun, while I just don't feel up to it. I don't want to bring anyone down, and I don't want the constant questions about what's wrong, why don't you lighten up?
If they only knew, I wish I could, I wish I could just be happy again. I wish there was a switch you could flick that made everything better. I get tired of pretending to be happy for the sake of others. It is exhausting trying to be someone I am not. That old adage of fake it till you make it, just does not work, I have tried. I have tried to go out and pretend I am having fun. It doesn't work, I'm still miserable, I just hide it behind a fake ass smile.
I have heard that when you put a smile on your face eventually you will feel happy again, I wonder how long that takes? Because the smile on my face is so damn fake I feel like Crusty the Clown from the Simpons. I know my best friend can tell when I am being fake and when I am being genuine, I wonder if anyone else can? Sometimes I feel like no one really knows me at all, they don't really want to get to know me.
I will see how the day goes and if something changes my mind about the beach......
Friday, July 24, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Will I ever be myself again?
A couple weeks ago I decided to go see a counselor about the stress I had been feeling for the last couple months. I went and talked to her, and while she was very nice and had insightful things to say, I initially made another appointment to see her again, I cancelled it. I believe I know why I am stressed and the things that make me stressed I can handle. I thought I needed someone to talk to about my sisters death, but I have come to realize I do not. At least no someone I do not know.
I do not know who I can talk to, maybe there really isn't anyone I can talk to. Well, that isn't quiet right, I have people I can talk to. I can talk to my aunt, my other sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my mom, there are quiet a few people actually. I just have to reach out to them.
The last post I talked about my best friend and how I was feeling a little at odds with her. I think that was just my doing and not her doing. I think with losing someone close to me, and her not knowing how to be with me, it is a difficult situation to be in. I do not want to lose my best friend over this, so I will talk to her about the things I can and leave it at that.
I have kind of stopped using Facebook and Instagram as much, well that is an understatement, I have stopped using them at all. I was becoming sad from the things I was seeing on there, seeing people I thought were friends hanging out without me. Its sucks even as an adult to be left out. Its not one of those feelings I think you ever get used to. I know I should realize people don't do it on purpose and maybe they don't want me around because I am not as cheerful as I am "supposed" to be, but it still hurts.
I feel like people don't want me around right now because I am depressing. I'm sorry I'm not the happiest person on the planet, its kind of hard to the happy go lucky person I usually am. Hopefully someday I will get back to that person.
Will I ever be myself again?
I do not know who I can talk to, maybe there really isn't anyone I can talk to. Well, that isn't quiet right, I have people I can talk to. I can talk to my aunt, my other sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my mom, there are quiet a few people actually. I just have to reach out to them.
The last post I talked about my best friend and how I was feeling a little at odds with her. I think that was just my doing and not her doing. I think with losing someone close to me, and her not knowing how to be with me, it is a difficult situation to be in. I do not want to lose my best friend over this, so I will talk to her about the things I can and leave it at that.
I have kind of stopped using Facebook and Instagram as much, well that is an understatement, I have stopped using them at all. I was becoming sad from the things I was seeing on there, seeing people I thought were friends hanging out without me. Its sucks even as an adult to be left out. Its not one of those feelings I think you ever get used to. I know I should realize people don't do it on purpose and maybe they don't want me around because I am not as cheerful as I am "supposed" to be, but it still hurts.
I feel like people don't want me around right now because I am depressing. I'm sorry I'm not the happiest person on the planet, its kind of hard to the happy go lucky person I usually am. Hopefully someday I will get back to that person.
Will I ever be myself again?
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Best Friend?
My best friend and I have been friends for a good 15 years! That's a long time in girl world! LOL! We have hardly ever argued. Sure we might get annoyed with each other, but we have never really gotten into an argument.
These past several months have been the hardest months of my life. Dealing with my sisters death has been really hard. I have not known what to feel at times. Sometimes I am ok, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel like I can go all day without even thinking about my sister, and then BOOM out of nowhere, a tiny little reminder will show itself and I will think of her, and I am back to missing her like crazy.
I feel like my best friend says she is there for me in words only. She says I can talk to her whenever I need her. This is not exactly true. Where she lives she does not get good reception, so we have to text. Whenever I have asked her to come meet me because I have had a bad day, she is not available, and not that she's doing something else, she is just tired, or she just got home and has changed out of her work clothes and doesn't want to get changed again. When she asks me to do something it is to go to the movies or to dinner. Which is fine except, you can't really talk about anything personal in a public space. I have tried, it doesn't work. I do not think she wants to hear what I have to say. I do not think she means it when she says she is there for me.
Recently I had a really bad time at work, dealing with very hard confidential stuff that I just couldn't handle. I was in tears when I left work that day. I didn't want to go home so I stopped at this tiny little bar we play trivia at every week and have made friends with the bartender. I text my best friend to ask her if she would meet me. I told her I had a really bad day at work and wanted to know if she could meet me. She said she was already home and changed and didn't want to come out, but darn the food there was good.
So I talked to the bartender, and kind of told her what had happened that day. Then I went home. A couple days later I took my dogs to the dog park, it was pretty hot out, but it was nice in the shade, so I enjoyed it, I text my best friend once again to ask if she wanted to join me. She said it was too hot out. So once again, no dice. Ok, I get it.
Well, a little while later that day I was at home, and she text me, asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her other best friend. So I said yes, I changed real quick and went to meet them. I got there first and then she showed up. It was just us two at the bar waiting until our table was ready and our other friend hadn't shown up yet, so I told her what had happened the other day that had upset me so much. She told me "Oh, I thought it was something that had happened to you" if she thought it was something that happened to me, why didn't she come? Why did it matter if it was something that had happened to me, or something that I was having an issue with? Either way I needed my best friend, and once again she wasn't willing to be there.
During the years of our friendship I have always been there when she needed me. Whether it was talking to her when she was upset, or to go pick her up in the middle of the night. I have never questioned it, I have just done it. That's what friends are for. I thought. I do not feel like she wants to deal with my hurt, she wants to be happy and have everything great. Well, my life isn't so great right now, and I don't think its going to be for awhile.
I just don't know quite what to do. I know the logical thing to do is point it out to her, but part of me asks why? Why should I have to point this out?! Why can't she see it?
These past several months have been the hardest months of my life. Dealing with my sisters death has been really hard. I have not known what to feel at times. Sometimes I am ok, sometimes I am not. Sometimes I feel like I can go all day without even thinking about my sister, and then BOOM out of nowhere, a tiny little reminder will show itself and I will think of her, and I am back to missing her like crazy.
I feel like my best friend says she is there for me in words only. She says I can talk to her whenever I need her. This is not exactly true. Where she lives she does not get good reception, so we have to text. Whenever I have asked her to come meet me because I have had a bad day, she is not available, and not that she's doing something else, she is just tired, or she just got home and has changed out of her work clothes and doesn't want to get changed again. When she asks me to do something it is to go to the movies or to dinner. Which is fine except, you can't really talk about anything personal in a public space. I have tried, it doesn't work. I do not think she wants to hear what I have to say. I do not think she means it when she says she is there for me.
Recently I had a really bad time at work, dealing with very hard confidential stuff that I just couldn't handle. I was in tears when I left work that day. I didn't want to go home so I stopped at this tiny little bar we play trivia at every week and have made friends with the bartender. I text my best friend to ask her if she would meet me. I told her I had a really bad day at work and wanted to know if she could meet me. She said she was already home and changed and didn't want to come out, but darn the food there was good.
So I talked to the bartender, and kind of told her what had happened that day. Then I went home. A couple days later I took my dogs to the dog park, it was pretty hot out, but it was nice in the shade, so I enjoyed it, I text my best friend once again to ask if she wanted to join me. She said it was too hot out. So once again, no dice. Ok, I get it.
Well, a little while later that day I was at home, and she text me, asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her other best friend. So I said yes, I changed real quick and went to meet them. I got there first and then she showed up. It was just us two at the bar waiting until our table was ready and our other friend hadn't shown up yet, so I told her what had happened the other day that had upset me so much. She told me "Oh, I thought it was something that had happened to you" if she thought it was something that happened to me, why didn't she come? Why did it matter if it was something that had happened to me, or something that I was having an issue with? Either way I needed my best friend, and once again she wasn't willing to be there.
During the years of our friendship I have always been there when she needed me. Whether it was talking to her when she was upset, or to go pick her up in the middle of the night. I have never questioned it, I have just done it. That's what friends are for. I thought. I do not feel like she wants to deal with my hurt, she wants to be happy and have everything great. Well, my life isn't so great right now, and I don't think its going to be for awhile.
I just don't know quite what to do. I know the logical thing to do is point it out to her, but part of me asks why? Why should I have to point this out?! Why can't she see it?
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
A new day!
I went to the Sawdust Festival over the weekend. For those of you that don't know about it, it is a fantastic Arts and Crafts festival in Laguna Canyon CA every summer. It is beautiful! It runs for about 3 months from June to August.
Everything is just beautiful at the Sawdust Festival! I have been going since a boyfriend took me when I was 18, the boyfriend is now married to someone else, and I am 35 and still going back to the Sawdust Festival by myself or with whoever wants to join me!
This past Saturday I went by myself! It was a fantastic day in the canyon! I decided to go a little later this year, I usually go in the morning, but this year I decided to go in the evening. I think that was a much better decision! The weather was PERFECT! A nice cool 70 degrees, sweet smelling ocean breeze! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect setting! So I paid my entrance fee of $8.50, and step inside the entrance of this fantastic world of art!
Let me tell you this place is Magical! Lanes and paths of art and crafts and works of otherworldly goods of all kinds! Wood works, Glass Blown pieces of Art, Clothing made of Felt, Silk, and Cotton; Jewelry of ALL kinds! Fairies hiding all over the place! Be on the look out for sneaky little sprites, they might catch a ride in your pocket if you're not careful!
My first stop was a newcomer to the festival this year, he takes surfboards he finds on Craigs List and epoxy's them! He lays this amazing epoxy all over them and gives them this amazing finish! They are just BEAUTIFUL! I had a great conversation with him and wish him the best of luck! His name is Jason Rate, stop by his booth and look at his beautiful Surfboards!
My next stop was Jude Taylor-Darlin, the thing that stopped me at her booth was she had these Beautiful mermaid drawings! I love Mermaids! And she drew these with Pen! She is AMAZING! I bought two prints, one Mermaid and one Sea Dragon! I love them!!!! She was soooo sweet and kind! From there I kind of just wandered around looking at everything for a little while. I enjoy looking at all the different kinds of art people create!
My sisters birthday is coming up in August, so I did want to see if I could find something for her. I found this lovely booth that had wine stoppers and door knobs made out of blown glass! They are just so whimsical and fantastic! I was really entranced by them! The glass blower is Alex Fritz, he was actually not in the booth at first, I was talking to his wife while he was gone. She was super nice! I have forgotten her name at the moment, but she was super friendly and we had a great time talking about all the different wine stoppers! My sister doesn't drink a lot of wine, but they were just SOOO cute! My sister LOVES tree frogs and some of the wine stoppers had these amazing tree frogs on them! They were so fun and interesting! I just couldn't get away from how cute they were! I wanted to get one for my sister, but just wasn't sure if she would get any use out of it......by this time Alex had come back to the booth and he had a little something he hadn't put out on display! He had a pen with a glass blown TREE FROG on top!!!! It was PERFECT!!!!! My sister just became last year, so this was the most perfect gift EVER!!!! She is going to LOVE IT!!!!! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect present!!!! Thank you Alex! You made my day!
After my wonderful stop with Alex and his beautiful wife, I met Gavin Heath the glass blower extraordinaire! His booth is all the way is the back left corner of the festival, I believe that is where is booth has been for the many years he has been there. He is South African and we talked for a long time! He has been ALL over the world! He is a true Surfer! Before coming to the festival that morning he had gotten up at 5 to go surfing! That's commitment! LOL! I loved talking to him! He has some beautiful glass blown art, African animals, tide pools, hearts! Just fantastic stuff! He even teaches classes if you are interested in learning how to blow your own glass!
The next artist I met was a Viking! Really! I felt like I landed at the Renaissance Faire! He had a leather kilt on and everything, with long flowing hair! He is a silversmith, who specializes in Turquoise. I've seen his booth before and stopped by before, but never had a chance to talk to him. I got a chance to talk to him this time, maybe he was just being nice, who knows, but it was fun being flirted with! LOL! This would be Greg Thornes booth! I bought myself a purple and turquoise ring. I love it! And the man who sold it to me wasn't too bad himself! All these people are what make the festival what it is!
At this point I was getting a little tired and realizing maybe I shouldn't spend too much more money, so I decided to wander around for a little bit more and maybe head home. Well my wandering led me to Michael Phillips booth. I had been to this booth before in the past. To be exact I had been there the previous summer with my sister that had just passed away. She absolutely LOVED his artwork. He does Super Hero and Cartoon art, but it is Fantastic, I love it too. We both bought some last summer. When I walked into his booth on Saturday, he was just walking out and said "I'll be right back, if you need me my number is right there, just text me." I walked into the booth and stood in the middle of it. I did not realize how powerful being in there that would be. Remembering how delighted my sister was by his art, how happy she was to buy something for her kids, even now typing this my hands are shaking. My heart was breaking all over again in this booth, because of all the lost things. Its so strange how sudden an emotion can take hold. How it can strike you from nowhere. And then I wasn't alone in the booth anymore. A couple kids came in, and they were so cute and kind of messy, just looking at the pictures, and ignoring me, like kids do. Their dad came a couple seconds later, and they started pointing out characters they recognized together, and that broke my spell of sorrow, it brought me out of my depth of despair. So I left the little family to marvel at Michael Phillips art.
I was walking up another pathway when I was passing a booth and a kind voice calls out, and I don't exactly remember what she said, but her art was photographs of the Berlin wall, the street art on the Berlin wall, and it was taken only weeks ago! This woman had taken these photographs herself! They were AMAZING! Her name is Debra Conkey. What happened with her wasn't so much about her art though. It was our conversation. And that is what I really love about the Sawdust Festival, the people care. Debra and I had a great conversation! She talked to me for a while and made me feel great about something I had had a bad day about the day before. She told me, you're making the right decision for you and that is all that matters. It felt great to be told that! She is a professor at a college and she told me that a lot of people don't have the courage to make that choice, to make the choice to be happy over money. She told that even though we had just met she was proud of me. To be told that felt fantastic! She made me feel like someone validated what I had been doing! Thank you Debra!
Well, it was now time for this wanderer to head home, I had escaped to wonderland for long enough!
It had been a wonderful adventure and I will definitely be back for more during the summer! Most likely with other adventurers! I look forward to seeing all my new friends!
If you get the chance to go to the Sawdust Festival, I highly recommend it! They also have a Winter Festival, it usually starts in November and runs through December. It has great Christmas presents! There is great food, music, art! Tons of things to do and see!!!
Rebecca
Everything is just beautiful at the Sawdust Festival! I have been going since a boyfriend took me when I was 18, the boyfriend is now married to someone else, and I am 35 and still going back to the Sawdust Festival by myself or with whoever wants to join me!
This past Saturday I went by myself! It was a fantastic day in the canyon! I decided to go a little later this year, I usually go in the morning, but this year I decided to go in the evening. I think that was a much better decision! The weather was PERFECT! A nice cool 70 degrees, sweet smelling ocean breeze! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect setting! So I paid my entrance fee of $8.50, and step inside the entrance of this fantastic world of art!
Let me tell you this place is Magical! Lanes and paths of art and crafts and works of otherworldly goods of all kinds! Wood works, Glass Blown pieces of Art, Clothing made of Felt, Silk, and Cotton; Jewelry of ALL kinds! Fairies hiding all over the place! Be on the look out for sneaky little sprites, they might catch a ride in your pocket if you're not careful!
My first stop was a newcomer to the festival this year, he takes surfboards he finds on Craigs List and epoxy's them! He lays this amazing epoxy all over them and gives them this amazing finish! They are just BEAUTIFUL! I had a great conversation with him and wish him the best of luck! His name is Jason Rate, stop by his booth and look at his beautiful Surfboards!
My next stop was Jude Taylor-Darlin, the thing that stopped me at her booth was she had these Beautiful mermaid drawings! I love Mermaids! And she drew these with Pen! She is AMAZING! I bought two prints, one Mermaid and one Sea Dragon! I love them!!!! She was soooo sweet and kind! From there I kind of just wandered around looking at everything for a little while. I enjoy looking at all the different kinds of art people create!
My sisters birthday is coming up in August, so I did want to see if I could find something for her. I found this lovely booth that had wine stoppers and door knobs made out of blown glass! They are just so whimsical and fantastic! I was really entranced by them! The glass blower is Alex Fritz, he was actually not in the booth at first, I was talking to his wife while he was gone. She was super nice! I have forgotten her name at the moment, but she was super friendly and we had a great time talking about all the different wine stoppers! My sister doesn't drink a lot of wine, but they were just SOOO cute! My sister LOVES tree frogs and some of the wine stoppers had these amazing tree frogs on them! They were so fun and interesting! I just couldn't get away from how cute they were! I wanted to get one for my sister, but just wasn't sure if she would get any use out of it......by this time Alex had come back to the booth and he had a little something he hadn't put out on display! He had a pen with a glass blown TREE FROG on top!!!! It was PERFECT!!!!! My sister just became last year, so this was the most perfect gift EVER!!!! She is going to LOVE IT!!!!! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect present!!!! Thank you Alex! You made my day!
After my wonderful stop with Alex and his beautiful wife, I met Gavin Heath the glass blower extraordinaire! His booth is all the way is the back left corner of the festival, I believe that is where is booth has been for the many years he has been there. He is South African and we talked for a long time! He has been ALL over the world! He is a true Surfer! Before coming to the festival that morning he had gotten up at 5 to go surfing! That's commitment! LOL! I loved talking to him! He has some beautiful glass blown art, African animals, tide pools, hearts! Just fantastic stuff! He even teaches classes if you are interested in learning how to blow your own glass!
The next artist I met was a Viking! Really! I felt like I landed at the Renaissance Faire! He had a leather kilt on and everything, with long flowing hair! He is a silversmith, who specializes in Turquoise. I've seen his booth before and stopped by before, but never had a chance to talk to him. I got a chance to talk to him this time, maybe he was just being nice, who knows, but it was fun being flirted with! LOL! This would be Greg Thornes booth! I bought myself a purple and turquoise ring. I love it! And the man who sold it to me wasn't too bad himself! All these people are what make the festival what it is!
At this point I was getting a little tired and realizing maybe I shouldn't spend too much more money, so I decided to wander around for a little bit more and maybe head home. Well my wandering led me to Michael Phillips booth. I had been to this booth before in the past. To be exact I had been there the previous summer with my sister that had just passed away. She absolutely LOVED his artwork. He does Super Hero and Cartoon art, but it is Fantastic, I love it too. We both bought some last summer. When I walked into his booth on Saturday, he was just walking out and said "I'll be right back, if you need me my number is right there, just text me." I walked into the booth and stood in the middle of it. I did not realize how powerful being in there that would be. Remembering how delighted my sister was by his art, how happy she was to buy something for her kids, even now typing this my hands are shaking. My heart was breaking all over again in this booth, because of all the lost things. Its so strange how sudden an emotion can take hold. How it can strike you from nowhere. And then I wasn't alone in the booth anymore. A couple kids came in, and they were so cute and kind of messy, just looking at the pictures, and ignoring me, like kids do. Their dad came a couple seconds later, and they started pointing out characters they recognized together, and that broke my spell of sorrow, it brought me out of my depth of despair. So I left the little family to marvel at Michael Phillips art.
I was walking up another pathway when I was passing a booth and a kind voice calls out, and I don't exactly remember what she said, but her art was photographs of the Berlin wall, the street art on the Berlin wall, and it was taken only weeks ago! This woman had taken these photographs herself! They were AMAZING! Her name is Debra Conkey. What happened with her wasn't so much about her art though. It was our conversation. And that is what I really love about the Sawdust Festival, the people care. Debra and I had a great conversation! She talked to me for a while and made me feel great about something I had had a bad day about the day before. She told me, you're making the right decision for you and that is all that matters. It felt great to be told that! She is a professor at a college and she told me that a lot of people don't have the courage to make that choice, to make the choice to be happy over money. She told that even though we had just met she was proud of me. To be told that felt fantastic! She made me feel like someone validated what I had been doing! Thank you Debra!
It had been a wonderful adventure and I will definitely be back for more during the summer! Most likely with other adventurers! I look forward to seeing all my new friends!
If you get the chance to go to the Sawdust Festival, I highly recommend it! They also have a Winter Festival, it usually starts in November and runs through December. It has great Christmas presents! There is great food, music, art! Tons of things to do and see!!!
Rebecca
Monday, July 13, 2015
Very First Blog Post!
So this is my very first Blog post ever! I have always been a little apprehensive about putting my thoughts into cyberspace like this, but hey why not! Typing is a little easier than writing. So life lately has been a little up and down. So much has been going on I can't seem to keep up with my emotions. I don't really know how to feel sometimes, and I don't really know how to talk to anyone about it. A couple months ago my sister passed away, it was unexpected in that she overdosed. She wasn't in a good place in her life and she couldn't seem to get the help she needed. Her family definitely couldn't help her the way she needed. It breaks my heart that everything we did just wasn't enough. I miss the sister I knew, that was lovable and caring and would do anything for anyone. She would go out of her way for anyone. She baked amazing cakes and was so creative. When she was in a creative mood she could make amazing things! But then she had these down sided too, where nothing could pull her out, and that seems to be what brought her down after all.
So after my sister died, I got a new job! I left my job I been at for 6 years. A place I loved, worked with people I loved. But like most people I wanted more money. So I applied for a promotion and got it. When I moved to the new job, I was so-so happy. The job was ok. The people were nice. My boss was interesting. She was retiring. So I wasn't going to be working with her for long. But then come to find out I wouldn't be working there any longer, I was being bumped from my position. They had abolished 2 Secretary jobs, and since I was the last Secretary hired, I was the first the be let go. So I would go back to my old job. But, wait, another opportunity came up.....a Secretary III position was available at the School Police Department and they needed someone in it ASAP, and could I go there and Work Out Of Class until they find someone to get in there? I would actually make a little extra money while I do that because it is a higher position than I am qualified to do. So I said yes. Why not, right? LOL! It has been an adventure working at School Police, let me tell you!
First I have learned all about fingerprinting, making ID badges, entering payroll, overtime, peoples personal lives, REALLY personal lives, stuff you don't want to know about! This is not a place for someone who just had something bad happen to them. Someone who is already sensitive to stuff. Maybe I am too sensitive to stuff anyway, but working here is tough. Luckily I will only be here for two more weeks and then I go back to my old job, to where I originally started out. I am ready to go back to something I know how to do.
Sometimes I feel like I am lost and surrounded by people who don't understand me at all. Who think they know me but have no clue. I feel like they want me to be happy all the time, but I'm not. And I can't be. I want my life to go back to the way it was, but I know life will never be the same. It can't be. Its different now. The whole world is different, my sister is no longer in it, how can it be the same?
So after my sister died, I got a new job! I left my job I been at for 6 years. A place I loved, worked with people I loved. But like most people I wanted more money. So I applied for a promotion and got it. When I moved to the new job, I was so-so happy. The job was ok. The people were nice. My boss was interesting. She was retiring. So I wasn't going to be working with her for long. But then come to find out I wouldn't be working there any longer, I was being bumped from my position. They had abolished 2 Secretary jobs, and since I was the last Secretary hired, I was the first the be let go. So I would go back to my old job. But, wait, another opportunity came up.....a Secretary III position was available at the School Police Department and they needed someone in it ASAP, and could I go there and Work Out Of Class until they find someone to get in there? I would actually make a little extra money while I do that because it is a higher position than I am qualified to do. So I said yes. Why not, right? LOL! It has been an adventure working at School Police, let me tell you!
First I have learned all about fingerprinting, making ID badges, entering payroll, overtime, peoples personal lives, REALLY personal lives, stuff you don't want to know about! This is not a place for someone who just had something bad happen to them. Someone who is already sensitive to stuff. Maybe I am too sensitive to stuff anyway, but working here is tough. Luckily I will only be here for two more weeks and then I go back to my old job, to where I originally started out. I am ready to go back to something I know how to do.
Sometimes I feel like I am lost and surrounded by people who don't understand me at all. Who think they know me but have no clue. I feel like they want me to be happy all the time, but I'm not. And I can't be. I want my life to go back to the way it was, but I know life will never be the same. It can't be. Its different now. The whole world is different, my sister is no longer in it, how can it be the same?
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